How childhood roles shape adult life and why reclaiming your place brings relief
One morning, I’m walking to the car with my children. They skip ahead, full of energy, and climb in. Suddenly, my youngest shouts: “That’s MY seat!”
His brother had taken his spot. But he doesn’t let it go. His whole body protests. From the soles of his feet to the fire in his voice, he knows: This is mine.
I pause. There’s something powerful in how fiercely he claims his place.
And it hits me: how often do we, as adults, lose sight of our own place?
We move over. Accommodate. Take on responsibilities that were never ours to begin with, until we forget what truly belongs to us. We stop noticing that we’re standing in the wrong spot.
Have you ever…
- Cared for a sick or emotionally unavailable parent?
- Mediated fights between your parents to keep the peace?
- Taken on a parenting role for a younger sibling?
- Held a family secret that wasn’t yours to carry?
- Stepped into leadership at work because no one else could?
If so, chances are you’ve shifted out of your natural position in the family system, not by choice, but by necessity. That’s what love and loyalty demanded. You adapted. You protected. You filled the gaps.
But as adults, we often keep playing that role long after it’s needed. And it comes at a cost.
When the family system is out of order you feel it in your body: tight shoulders, tension in your chest, an edge of irritation you can’t quite place. You feel it in your nervous system, stuck in fight-or-flight, constantly in overdrive or emotionally numb. You feel it in your relationships – resentment, burnout, blurred boundaries.
These are classic signs of systemic entanglement – themes I often explore in family constellations, Innerchild work, and somatic therapy.
As Marina van Dansik, Parent Coach and Therapist Haarlem, I guide clients through these patterns using systemic work and trauma-informed therapy. When your place in the system gets disrupted – by trauma, loss, parentification, or family secrets – it creates long-term confusion and emotional stress.
Reclaiming your place isn’t selfish. It’s a form of healing.
In family constellations, we speak of three core principles:
- Belonging– Everyone has a right to a place.
- Order– Parents before children. Elders before youngers.
- Balance– Giving and receiving must be in flow.
When these are out of balance, we suffer. But when we return to our rightful place, life flows with less effort, more clarity, and more peace.
Ask yourself:
- Am I carrying something that doesn’t belong to me?
- Have I taken on a role I was never meant to fill?
- What would it mean to step back into myplace?
Reclaiming your place in the system is not just a personal shift. It’s a generational one. It’s a powerful step toward trauma release, emotional balance, and family healing.
Want to explore this further?
Book a session in Haarlem or online. Let’s take the first step together.