I’d bet that setting boundaries is one of the hardest parts of parenting, especially lovingboundaries. Even more so if you grew up with inconsistent rules, a lack of co-regulation, or emotional insecurity.
My eldest son is spirited and intense. He challenges everything and often pushes things to the limit. Setting limits with him has been – and still is – a journey. Not because I don’t know that boundaries matter, but because it touches something deep in me. Because in the heat of the moment, I can feel overwhelmed myself.
Then I heard Gabor Maté say: “When the child is securely attached to the adult, the child will want to follow the adult, because the attachment is their primary need.”
And that’s when alarm bells went off in me. Not because I don’t value his work, on the contrary, I’ve learned so much from him. But a statement like that can make parents (like me) feel like we must be doing something fundamentally wrong if our child resists us. As if the child’s defiance is a sign of poor attachment – a lack of connection or trust. That hits hard. And it’s too simplistic.
Attachment is the foundation, but not a guarantee
Maté speaks to something important: attachment is the foundation of healthy development. A securely attached child does want to stay close to the caregiver. And yes, in calm moments, that connection can increase a child’s willingness to cooperate. But… Even when attachment is strong, there will be moments when a child can’t handle a parent’s “no.” Not because they don’t love you, but because their brain literally can’t handle it yet.
Why children don’t stop when you say “no” from a brain development perspective
Setting a boundary requires that a child is able to reflect, regulate their impulses, tolerate frustration, and redirect their behavior. That’s a big ask, especially for young children, and often still a stretch for teens. Here’s why:
1. The prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed
This part of the brain – responsible for planning, self-control, and cause-and-effect thinking – doesn’t fully mature until around age 25. Until then, children and teens are neurologically unequipped to pause and reflect in emotionally charged moments. In teens, there’s an added challenge: their limbic system (emotional brain) develops faster than their prefrontal cortex, which means they are often flooded by intense emotions without the brakes to match.
2. The limbic system takes over
When kids (or teens) feel overwhelmed – angry, frustrated, disappointed – their brain switches into survival mode. The limbic system takes the wheel, and the rational brain goes offline. In those moments, you’re not speaking to a thinking brain – you’re speaking into a storm.
3. Self-regulation is learned from co-regulation
Kids don’t learn to calm themselves just by hearing rules or explanations. They learn it through repeated experiences of co-regulation: having a calm, attuned adult beside them who can hold a firm boundary without escalating. Every time you set a boundary without flipping your lid, you help build your child’s future capacity for impulse control and emotional regulation.
Summary: It’s not defiance. It’s immaturity
Kids (and teens!) don’t need more reasoning. They need: fewer words, more calm, more repetition, clear, loving limits.
What’s really happening in the moment
And sometimes, it takes real courage to admit this: Your child might be a mirror. If your child is consistently struggling to accept limits, it’s worth asking whether one of the caregivers struggles with them too. Maybe you never learned that “no” can be loving. Maybe you feel guilty. Or doubt yourself. Maybe you’ve always tried to keep the peace, or avoid your own authority.
And then, suddenly, it’s the two of you, face to face:
– “No!”
– “I just don’t like the sound of no!”
– “Me neither…”
You both just don’t like the sound of no.
Loving limits require emotional maturity
Loving limits take more than just a secure attachment. They also require an adult nervous system that can hold the “no”, even when the child doesn’t like it. Your child doesn’t have to enjoy it. They don’t even have to agree. They just need to feel: My parent is calm. Steady. Loving. And they’re still here. From that, safety grows. And with safety, cooperation will follow – eventually.
Want a simple script to say “no” with clarity and calm? Or (half joking, but not really) want to learn how to tolerate a “no” without flipping out? Feel free to DM me.