How kids reveal the patterns we’ve buried
During a two-day Polyvagal Theory training, I had dinner with a fellow psychomotor therapist. We talked about the fawn response, that subtle survival pattern where you over-adapt, avoid conflict, and become everyone’s emotional glue.
She knew it well. It had taken her straight into burn-out. For years, she held everything together: clients, community, family. Until her body finally said: No more.
That night, over warm food and tired laughter, she shared something personal – about her children.
When your kids break the mold
Two of her children were diagnosed young, both somewhere on the autism spectrum.
Her oldest son couldn’t adapt in group settings. He didn’t follow social cues.
Her daughter? She slammed the door in the face of neighborhood kids. No filter. No mask. No “being nice.”
They didn’t smooth over conflict. They met it head-on.
And as a mother, she felt helpless. Like she was doing something wrong. Like they weren’t doing what they “should.” Until something in her perspective cracked open.
“It’s in the genes,” she whispered.
“It runs on both sides, mine and my husband’s.”
Suddenly, the pieces came together.
Parenting meets legacy
I asked her gently,
“What have your children taught you?”
She paused. Then said:
“To love without condition. Not just when they behave. But especially when they don’t.”
And then:
“They’re my mirror. They don’t blend in. And that wakes something up in me. Because I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit. To please. To be acceptable.”
The story beneath the story
She spoke of her own childhood. Of growing up with a mother who struggled with mental illness. Of falling silent. Of becoming “the good girl.” The helper. The quiet one. The peacekeeper.
She had learned early on that adaptation = love. But it also meant losing herself. That same inner child was still shaping her life. Even in her parenting. And now? Her children were showing her another way.
Real healing begins at the dinner table
“I’ve never seen it this clearly,” she said.
“But now… everything makes sense.”
Sometimes, the biggest breakthroughs don’t happen in therapy rooms.
They happen in quiet moments between soup and wine. In real conversation. In reflection. In being seen.
What mirror do your children hold up for you?
Do they show you the parts you had to bury to belong?
Do they invite you to heal the patterns you inherited but never chose?
In Inner child therapy, Gestalt therapy, somatic coaching, and family constellations, we gently explore these layers. Not to blame. But to understand.
Because awareness changes everything. And healing – for them and for us -often begins with a simple shift in perspective.
Curious what your child’s behavior might be reflecting back to you?
Book a free intro call. Let’s listen to your story together.
Marina van Dansik – Parent Coach and Therapist Haarlem
Specialised in somatic therapy, Inner child therapy, and trauma-informed support for parents and caregivers.