How inherited loyalty keeps us stuck and how to let go
“I’m trying to pay back my life. But it will never be enough.”
These were the words of a client – raised in a French culture of ambition and perfectionism. Her parents loved her, but it came with conditions. She grew up believing she was never enough. But that belief, it turned out, wasn’t hers. It was inherited. A family system pattern passed down through generations. A legacy of guilt and perfectionism.
She came to me not just as a woman, but as a mother, determined to raise her child differently. She had done years of therapy. And still, she felt stuck. Why?
Through systemic work and a genogram, we uncovered the deeper layers:
Her great-grandparents had emigrated from a small Italian village to France. In their world, family meant everything. The implicit rule:
“Everything for the family. Children care for their parents. You don’t say no.”
Suddenly, it all made sense. Saying no felt like betrayal. Not just emotionally – existentially.
The three systemic laws behind this dynamic
In family constellations and family therapy, we work with three key principles that govern every system:
1. Belonging – Everyone has a right to a place in the system. When someone is excluded or takes someone else’s role, imbalance arises.
2. Order – Systems follow a natural hierarchy. Parents come before children.
3. Balance of Giving and Receiving – In healthy systems, giving and receiving are in flow.
But in the parent-child relationship, this balance is intentionally asymmetrical:
Parents give life, care, love.
Children aren’t meant to repay it.
They’re meant to pass it forward, to the next generation.
Releasing invisible contracts
This insight deeply moved her. She realized that most of her giving came from guilt. From fear. From obligation. It was not a free choice.
Through IFS therapy, Inner child work, somatic therapy, and trauma-informed coaching, she began to separate her adult self from these inherited patterns. She stopped overgiving. She began choosing. She reclaimed her place in the family system – no longer the emotional caretaker, but an equal adult. Her body softened. Her parenting changed. She felt lighter.
Are you carrying generational debt?
If you grew up in a family where loyalty meant self-sacrifice, this might resonate.
Maybe your nervous system still believes: “I owe them everything. I can’t say no. I must be perfect.”
But here’s the truth: You don’t owe your ancestors your exhaustion. You honour them best by living fully, freely, and with emotional balance.
Want support in releasing these patterns?
Book a session with Marina van Dansik – Parent Coach and Therapist Haarlem, specialising in systemic work, trauma release, and inner child healing