A call for deep, practical self-care in motherhood
Yesterday, I had the joy of speaking at the MamaSocial brunch in Haarlem – a warm morning filled with coffee, delicious food, connection, and crawling little humans.
I spoke about something that often ends up last on our list: self-care. Not the spa-day kind (though that’s welcome too). I mean the real kind, the kind that keeps you connected, sane, and still liking your child after four meltdowns and no nap.
People often say:
“You should do yoga. Meditate.”
And I think:
“Honey, I just want to pee alone.”
What real self-care looks like
True self-care for mothers begins with recognizing your actual needs:
- Physical
- Emotional
- Spiritual
- Nervous system needs
It’s knowing:
- when you’re exhausted
- when you’re touched-out
- when you’ve been over-giving for weeks
For me, it started with just sitting. Not perfect meditation. Just showing up. Five minutes. Then ten. Now it keeps me grounded as a parent and therapist.
Why does this matter?
Because our children feel us. Their nervous systems sync with ours.
Attachment theory shows: kids need emotionally available caregivers. And when we’re burned out, something sad and powerful happens. Our children start to take care of us.
Not with words but through behavior:
- Pleasing
- Suppressing needs
- Acting out
- Fading into the background
From a systemic therapy lens, this is role reversal. The child becomes the emotional parent. One mum shared after my talk: “My daughter asked me, ‘Mama, are you okay?’ It broke my heart.”
Because that’s not their job. That’s ours.
Cycle-breaking starts with the body
So, we practiced a simple self check-in:
- Hand on heart
- Breathe
- Ask: What do I feel? Where do I feel it? What do I need?
Not to fix, just to notice. That’s not just mindfulness. That’s cycle-breaking. That’s embodied aware parenting. Self-care doesn’t need to be fancy.
It can look like:
- Socks that feel good
- Slowing your walk
- Humming with your child
- Rocking yourself
- Breathing deeply for five minutes
- Laughing at your parenting fails
Last week, I forgot to pick up one child from school… because I was practicing “conscious presence” with the other.
Perfection? Nope. Presence? Yes.
Parenting doesn’t require perfection. It requires being resourced.
And if your version of self-care today is not yelling “I told you so” at your partner, you’re doing deep inner child work. Give yourself credit. Therapy would charge you for that kind of growth.
Marina van Dansik – Parent Coach and Therapist Haarlem
Specialised in voice dialog, nervous system regulation, inner child therapy, and trauma-informed parenting support for mothers and caregivers.