Recognizing the signals of your nervous system
At Nurture Next, I meet many parents who deeply long to raise their children differently than they were raised.
They want to break cycles. Stop passing down stress, emotional patterns, and inherited trauma. But here’s the paradox:
How do you raise a regulated child, if your own nervous system is dysregulated?
I know this struggle intimately. As a therapist and as a mother, the turning point came through the Polyvagal Theory.
It gave me a map, not just for my clients, but for myself.
A nervous system shaped by survival
I carry a nervous system wired for survival. Like many, mine was shaped by generations before me. It learned to:
- Stay hyper-alert
- Freeze when overwhelmed
- Prioritize safety over connection
This wasn’t conscious. It was protective. But it no longer serves me or my children.
Every day, I’m invited to do something different:
To regulate. To return to ventral vagal safety. To model connection, not just correction.
It starts with awareness
The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, maps our nervous system in three key states:
1️ Sympathetic (Red) – Fight/flight: anxious, rushed, irritable
2️ Dorsal (Blue) – Freeze/shutdown: numb, hopeless, flat
3️ Ventral (Green) – Safe/social: playful, open, calm
Ask yourself regularly:
- Am I in Red? (Everything urgent, my shoulders tight?)
- Am I in Blue? (Hard to feel, move, or speak?)
- Or am I in Green? (Present, connected, responsive?)
This nervous system literacy is what we practice in somatic therapy and trauma-informed parenting.
From automatic to aware
Learning to recognize these shifts in my body has changed everything. Now, I notice:
“I’m going red.”
“I’m sliding into blue.”
“Ah, I’ve landed in green.”
And then I can choose:
- Breath
- Movement
- Co-regulation
- Gentle touch
- Laughter
- Slowing down
- Singing or humming
- Eye contact and safe connection
This isn’t perfection. It’s practice. And it changes how I show up – for my kids, my partner, myself.
Want a simple intro?
Want a simple intro?
I recommend this short, 8-minute animated video explaining how trauma impacts the nervous system and how we can begin to break generational patterns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdIQRxwT1I0
Because understanding your nervous system isn’t just theory. It’s liberation.
Marina van Dansik – Parent Coach and Therapist Haarlem
Helping parents heal and grow through somatic therapy, inner child therapy, polyvagal-informed coaching, and burn out parental recovery.